jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
The leg is finally less painful, enough so that I can start going off the morphine. It helps that I have lots of Tramadol around for the endometriosis pain. I'm still taking morphine at night, because it hurts enough that I won't sleep otherwise, but it's nice to be a little more clear-headed during the day.

It still hurts to not have the leg elevated, but I still try to sit up for an hour or so per day, generally around meals. On Wednesday I'm getting the stitches taken out and the leg checked on, and I really hope they'll say that I can start having the foot on the floor while sitting. It's quite awkward not being able to sit normally.

With all the TV-series I've been watching, I'm being attacked by plot bunnies. It would have been nice to be this clear when NaNoWriMo started, but maybe I'll make a new attempt next year. At this point I'll just try to get the basics of all the bunnies down enough that I can flesh the stories out later. So far, I've Criminal Minds, Dr Who, Torchwood, House and Angel all vying for attention. It would really be nice to be able to write something longer than the drabbles that are all I've ever posted...
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
Last time I posted I was waiting at a rehab home for the swelling to go down enough for the doctors to operate. I got back to the hospital, Danderyd, on the following Wednesday, October 21st. By then the swelling had gone down, but while doing so had formed a blister, which had broken. And of course the damaged skin was just where the surgeon needed to cut into the leg, and the skin hadn't regrown enough that they would be able to sew me back up again.

I had two orthopaedic surgeons come and shake their heads over my leg, and taking pictures and sending them to Karolinska Sjukhuset where the plastic surgeons are. They were discussing whether it would be a) possible and b) a good idea to take some skin off another part of my leg and cover the damaged area. They had a number of other ideas that were discussed as well. And while they were making up their minds I was stuck in a hospital room with little net access and an extremely talkative roommate who appeared to see me as her next BFF.

On Friday the 23rd they decided to move me to Karolinska where the orthopaedics and the plastics surgeons are at least in the same house and can come look at the leg together. The ortho surgeon looked, and said that he could do the operation without any skin transplants by going in from the outside of the leg instead of the inside. He'd prefer the swelling to go down even more first, though. I kept waiting for the operation for two more days, but on Sunday he said that it would be better to wait another week before doing the operation. So I was sent home, and told to report back the next Sunday evening. This was both good news and bad - it meant I'd be home for both my own and Calle's birthday as well as for Samhain, but it also mean that it wouldn't be over and done with as soon as I'd hoped.

When I got back to the hospital the next week, everything went smoothly. The operation was very successful according to the doctor. I was in very bad pain afterwards and spent the two days after the operation half asleep or crying for more pain meds. After that it got bearable, and I was sent home on Friday Nov 6th. They sent a pair of crutches and some other aids with me. No wheel chair though - the environment here really isn't very wheel chair friendly, there are speed bumbs and hills or stairs to climb or fall down in any direction.

I'm still supposed to keep the leg elevated, so I spend about 23 hours per day lying in bed with the leg propped up on pillows. It gets boring. Very boring. I have a hard time focusing on anything, and the leg still hurts quite a bit. I have films, computer games, books and crochet within reach, though, and there is generally at least one cat close enough to cuddle and irritate should I feel so inclined.

The doctor said I should be allowed to put the foot down without putting weight on it four weeks after the operation, so that's just another two weeks to go. And sometime early January I will be allowed to start putting weight on it. Next week I'm going in to get the stitches taken out and hopefully get told that everything still looks OK.

Thanks to everyone who's sent me good wishes!

Passing

Sep. 2nd, 2008 10:29 am
jennyaxe: (Tusse)
I don't know a word in Swedish for "passing". Not "passing" as in "going past someone or something", but as in "being perceived as something I'm not and thereby avoiding unpleasantness or discrimination". There should be a word; the concept is necessary to understanding how a lot of people live.

I'm passing in several ways. Being married to a man, I'm passing for straight. It's not something I want to do, except that in some situations I feel safer, and doesn't that tell you something about our world? Most of us are assumed to be straight until and unless we say something that shows our Difference. When I speak about a partner by name, people feel that their view of me as straight, as normal, is reaffirmed. When I mention an ex-girlfriend they do an extra double-take, which is fun to watch... but I don't like having to first consider whether I feel safe enough to say something like that.

Another way I'm passing is that I look healthy on the outside. You can't tell from looking at me that I've a chronic health problem. You might see me walking with a cane, or you might see me taking a painkiller, but mostly I'm good at not showing the pain. Calle knows the signs, mostly, and so do some of our close friends, but to someone who doesn't know me I think I look "normal". When I'm going riding, I always take a double dose of painkillers and that clears the way for me to work as well as anyone else while I'm there. Except, of course, that I have a limited supply of energy - well, so does anyone, but I've got fewer spoons than most - and that the painkillers don't make it alright, they just make it less bad. (And I'm not completely unable to do stuff without painkillers - it's not impossible, it just costs more spoons.)

I'm passing for healthy at work, most of the time. I don't use the cane at work unless it's a really bad day - I don't want to be seen as Other, as Less, as Different. People don't know that my spending a lot of time on the loo is to give me a few extra moments to recover, or that my mostly spending my lunch hour reading is so I don't have to spend a spoon on interaction. Sometimes I choose to, but only if I've checked my spoon supply for the day.

I wonder in what ways my coworkers are passing, and whether they're doing it consciously or not.

And I need to think about ways to replenish my spoon supply. Starting with going to a yoga practice tonight.

jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
Two months ago, the Big Project was mostly finished. I was worn out, as were my colleagues. The difference was that I had about a week before going on to the next project - one not as big, granted, but on the other hand about 90 % of the work would be mine.

Being me, I kept working. I kept working though I got more and more tired, through a few weeks of doing little more than working and sleeping, through a weariness fogging my mind... I realised I needed rest, so I asked for a day off. I didn't get it, because one of my coworkers had already gotten leave that day. On the day I was told this, as I left the office, I took the car out of the garage. Right at the garage doors I swerved right. As Goddess is my witness, I have no idea why I did that. There is no reason to turn right there; it's a straight exit (though a fairly narrow one). The car is scratched along the right side and the back door has a huge dent in it and will need to be replaced.

I got home and sat crying. Some coven members were coming over for a meeting, and they helped cheer me up. The next day I called my boss who told me to take a few days off, which I did. It helped that there was a holiday in the middle of the week after, so with only three sick days I got almost a week off.

I'm back at work again now. Boss has strictly ordered me to make sure to take full hour lunch breaks, and to make sure I take the Thursday morning off to go riding. My colleagues are very supportive and do their best not to lay any pressure on me - though, me being me, I worry that I put too much on them. The new project got delayed and nobody's being upset about it; any complaints are directed to my boss who just tells people that they have to wait. And we've started having morning meetings where we go through all the items in our work stack, and we check off the ones that are realistically possible to deal with during the day - and we don't look at the others until the next morning. That way I can leave work every day knowing that I've done all I should and I never have to worry about the stack of things waiting for me.

Have I mentioned that I really like my boss?

(Yes, I'm also going to get some kind of therapy. Again. Maybe this time it'll take.)

Various

Feb. 13th, 2006 06:55 pm
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
My coworker kindly bought a new E-string for my violin when he passed by the music store, so today I got to practice with all four strings. I managed "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" without it sounding too bad. The cats still don't like it, though. Nor does the wrist that was broken; it hurts like blazes after just a few minutes playing. This probably means that playing is good exercise. Also, I'm somewhat proud that I strung the violin all by myself.

Tomorrow I'm going riding with [livejournal.com profile] gnapp. She'll help me with everything heavy and then walk while I ride. I need to take it slowly as the wrist is far from completely healed and I really shouldn't risk another fall. But I've realised how much the riding means for my health - when I ride, I'm pretty much knackered afterwards and in some pain, but during the autumn I didn't have that constant pain/heaviness in the abdomen. It's been coming back now, though, and there's really nothing else that has changed, I'm not more stressed out or anything. I suppose I really do need that exercise...

Also I'm physically restless. I find it hard to stay focused during a one hour meeting without fidgeting. This is not my usual self.

Yesterday I had a bad headache, so I went to bed early, which meant that I managed to get to work early and also left reasonably early. I've managed to do two loads of laundry (riding clothes and cleaning rags - yay for having a washing mashine!), water the flowers and get some violin practice in. Now I should go clean out the litter boxes so I won't have as much to do early in the morning. The cleaning woman will be here tomorrow and she shouldn't have to deal with that so I need to make sure it's as fresh as possible when she comes. Really, spending those approximately 200 USD a month is the best possible use for that money; I feel so much better not having to deal with the heavy housework and not having to lay it all on Calle.

Calle has made me start writing slashfic. It's not going very well.

Yoga

Feb. 2nd, 2006 12:19 pm
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
I've just been at my first yoga class at work. I did go to yoga a few times at the old job, but haven't been to a class since last spring. Not that I was exactly limber then, but what agility I had seems to have been lost in the months since.

The class was fairly demanding and there were some things I couldn't do because they put too much stress on the arms/wrists. But on the whole I managed most of it without falling down (which really is a problem with some of the motions). We finished with a relaxation practice.

Now I'm all calm and peaceful. Also hungry as we yoga'd during what is usually my lunch break. If I make it down to the canteen without being talked to I might even keep this peaceful mood all the way through lunch...
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
Today I went to the hospital for what I thought would be a checkup on the elbow fracture. I knew they wouldn't remove the metal thingy because that was scheduled for Wednesday morning.

It turned out there'd been a mix-up. Today was the day for getting the thingy removed and I don't need to go there at all on Wednesday.

The thing about these "Hoffman" fixtures is that they are attached to the bone where there aren't any nerves, so removing them doesn't hurt much. At least it didn't when they took away the screws from the arm. The ones in the hand are placed very close too a sinew going to the first finger, and touching that sinew hurts quite a bit. The doctor was sensible enough to take the arm first, so I would be less tense when he got to the hand.

I also got to see a phys. therapist who gave me a sheet of exercises to get back the mobility.

The doctor said I shouldn't go putting too much strain on the arm in the first few weeks, and also not putting myself at risk of another fracture. So probably I shouldn't start riding the new horse for a while. Darn. Skutt is quiet enough that I feel comfortable and safe riding him, at least once it's stopped hurting as much as it does right now.

It's a joy being able to almost touch-type again! almost, not quite, as the wrist isn't fully mobile so I can't bend it the way I really need to and it hurts to move the first finger. But it's a lot easier than it has been. I'm really looking forward to work tomorrow - finally I'll be able to get some real programming done instead of working at a snail's pace!

Tonight Calle is at a harp concert. Of course I called him as soon as I got out of the hospital. He too is happy that the fixture has been removed - I'd started flailing around in my sleep and occasionally hitting him, so one night he ended up moving to the sofa and the next side we switched sides in bed (which confused the cats mightily). Also the arm has been in the way of hugging and cuddling.

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