Cat update

Sep. 6th, 2009 10:58 am
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
The night has been blissfully uneventful. Zeta had a small seizure arount 10pm, but nothing since then. Tusse hasn't had any seizures after the one yesterday afternoon. Arthas never had any at all.

Of course I didn't sleep very well, I kept waking up any time one of them made a noise or moved around on the bed. I got up at 6.30 to get them some more fish, which they ate hungrily, and then went back to sleep another four hours. At least now we're reasonably sure that whatever is causing it isn't any of the stuff in my room... Hopefully we can let them out into the livingroom area later today, after we've all gone over it carefully to see if we can figure out what it might be that affects them. One thing I didn't mention yesterday is that Zeta has been living only in the downstairs part, i.e. in my room and the downstairs hallway, for several months. She only started exploring the upstairs part a couple of weeks ago - and a few days later she got sick. That makes me think it *has* to be something upstairs. Also she's the only one who's been living exclusively on kibble, she hasn't come up to get her morning and afternoon gushyfud.

There is new kibble, though we won't give them any just yet. I should probably add that Zeta hasn't had any diarrhoea, bloody or otherwise, in the past few days.

[ profile] gnapp has kindly offered to take care of my horses' stalls today if I need it. I'm still not sure; on the one hand I want to know how the cats are every minute, but on the other hand it'd be really nice to be outside for a few hours and not just sit in a small room waiting to see if something bad happens, which is what I've been doing since yesterday afternoon...

Stuff we've checked in the apartment so far:

  • kibbles thrown out and replaced with new
  • some rowan branches and berries that had been altar decorations thrown out
  • the aloe vera plant moved to a less accessible place (even though it hasn't been gnawed on)
  • some bread used in the Lammas ritual, that had been gnawed on and hidden under the altar, thrown out (though even the doctor said it was highly unlikely this would be the cause)
  • food and water bowls thoroughly washed (we do clean them from time to time, but not obsessively - this time they've been through the dishwasher)
  • using a flashlight/torch we've been looking under bookshelves and other furniture and found nothing.

The vets suggested giving them access to one room at a time, after having looked through them and cleaned out anything we think might be harmful. If they start getting seizures then we know which room is the problem. I can't think of a better suggestion... It seems to me that the cause might be something that Zeta started eating once she started going upstairs, but that the other two aren't interested in. Then when they were all put on short rations, Tusse found the whateveritis and started eating it too. But that's just a theory - it might equally well be the kibble and Tusse didn't get ill until now because he's been having gushyfud twice a day and thus not eaten so much kibble. Or something else entirely. I hate not knowing!
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
Bad stuff: Tusse had a seizure like the ones Zeta has had. We called the vet, she said that this really looks like they have eaten something toxic to them. At this point I agree - it has to be either environmental or contagious, and they can't think of anything contagious that gives these symptoms. We went over all that we know they've eaten, and decided to restrict them to a small area in the flat and only feed them boiled fish. And not much of that, either.

I went through my bedroom, making sure that anything they might be tempted to get into was removed or put in cat-safe tins or otherwise unreachable for them. Then we brought all three of them into my bedroom (which is now equipped with a litterbox). At this point Zeta had already had a sort of half-seizure, where she didn't fall down spasming but was shaking a lot whiile standing up.

Shortly after we went down, Zeta got up and started chewing on the spiderplant that I'd also brought in - it's the only plant in the room; if I'm isolating them I'll do my best to do it well! Shortly thereafter she started making unhappy noises. But instead of following it up with shaking and seizing, she ran in under the bed and puked. I don't think I've ever been actually happy to have a cat puke under the bed, but this... it's the first time since she started getting ill that she's actually gotten rid of her nausea in the normal cat manner!

A few minutes ago, Calle brought some small portions of boiled fish down for them. We'll see how that works out. They were all hungry, they were begging for more, but we don't dare give them any bigger portions just yet.

If they do get better while restricted to this bedroom, we'll let them out into the living room tomorrow and see what happens. We'll basically have to let them into one room at a time, after we've done our best to clear it of anything they may have gotten into. But at least now that we know it's environmental, we have some way of dealing with it.

Sick cat

Sep. 5th, 2009 09:56 am
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
I've posted a bit on Facebook and Twitter about my cat Zeta being ill. Last Sunday she began showing signs of nausea, there was some drooling and quite a bit of miaowing. During the night she got worse, she had what looked like epileptic seizures at least twice during the night. After the last one, about 7 am, she was unable to move or focus her eyes on anything.

I took her to the vet, they ran blood tests and gave her IV nutrition. After a while she got better, was again able to focus. She had one more seizure while there, and she started getting bloody diarrhoea. On Wednesday she was released and seemed perfectly normal. The vet said it looked like poisoning, but none of us could figure out how she might have gotten poisoned. She's an indoor cat, we don't have mice, we have no new plants, and Arthas who is now 10 months old gnaws everything - so if there were something poisonous here he'd be getting ill, too.

Anyhow, we have been feeding her boiled fish. She started getting the drools again on Thursday, and yesterday when I spoke to the vet they said I should make sure to give her smaller portions. So last night after work I did - she got about 1-2 tablespoons of boiled fish per hour, and after the fourth feeding she even stopped trying to steal food from the other cats.

And then she got a seizure again, and a second one this night. Now she looks perfectly healthy and is begging for more food, but about two hours after her last feeding she started with the drool again.

I have no idea what causes this. The only thing I can come up with is to feed her small portions. Maybe the seizure isn't really a seizure, maybe it's her stomach cramping so hard that her whole body shakes, and the neurological symptoms she had on Monday were from her hitting her head while cramping. I don't know, and there seems to be no reasonable way for the vets to tell. They've been talking about spinal fluid samples and MRIs and things - but they're not sure it'll give them anything to go on, and the cost is pretty steep.

If she doesn't get better we will have to put her to sleep. I really don't want to do that, she's only eleven years old, and when she isn't cramping or drooling she seems so perfectly healthy and normal. I don't know what to do.
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
Well, at least, half done. I've been fixing up the sewing room. It was seriously overcrowded in there - my plan to have an IKEA Ivar shelving system for fabrics was about as stupid as a very stupid thing. It's been replaced with a wire basket system instead, and the books have been moved into my bedroom. I've now got ample space for loom, cutting table, sewing table and computer table (because you totally need a computer in the sewing room, if nothing else you might need an urgent dose of <a href=">Ravelry</a> while crafting. When I did all the moving around, I also finally got the floor washed. There are still some stacked junk boxes under the cutting table; once I get those dealt with, I think it'll be a very nice room to work in. And a side effect of getting this stuff done is that I moved the computer table out of my bedroom so I can now get at all the drawers in my chest of drawers. All bonuses. Now I just need the energy to empty the remaining shelf in the computer room so it gets usable, and probably moving some crafting books up here, and throwing out the old ugly closet, and bringing down my closet from the upstairs bedroom, and moving the sofabed to the GFs apartment, and fixing up the living room, and... But still, it's a start. It's nice to have something a little better today than it was yesterday.
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
I've had vacation. Four lovely weeks. The first two were spent at home, the third in Norway meeting lots of lovely people, and the last week was at home again. Now I'm back at work, where nothing much happens at this time of year. Before I left, the office AC wasn't up to cooling the building; now it's too cold instead. In the most recent reorganization, I've got a new boss and a load of new colleagues. In other words, the stuff I do now belongs to a different department. This is probably a good thing, though I will miss my old boss whom I really liked. The new boss seems very good too, though, so I don't think it'll be any problem, but it's always a bit sad to lose a good working relationship.

The cat problems ended with the girlfriend's cat getting a new home. The girlfriend noticed that he's been a lot more tense since they moved in with us, and has been constantly trying to keep himself in a dominant position. This was very apparent when we took Tusse and Arthas to the vet for a day (Arthas got neutered, Tusse had a few teeth extracted due to FORL). As long as they were away, Mao was his old cuddly self, but as soon as they got back he went back to sitting on the highest shelf and monitoring the others. He now lives with Calle's brother, girlfriend, about two years old son, and two dogs. They live about 30 minutes drive from here, in an area with very few cars. We think he'll be a lot happier there, and hopefully so will Zeta once she gets the courage up to go upstairs so she can see that he's gone. And when we were at the BILs home, we found that their neighbours' cat had just had a litter, and one kitten was still not spoken for. It turned out to be a male, grey with some white, and we "booked" him. So in September there'll be a new small one around the house.

It seems Melanie, mother of my foal, will be rideable. So far we're working her at a walk and the occasional slow trot, and her lameness is pretty much gone. You can notice that she doesn't put her right foreleg forward as much as the left one, but that's about it. She seems very happy to be doing something, and I am of course delighted to be back with her. And my own horse is growing, and is right now a bundle of teenage hormones - which can be a handful given that he weighs around four times as much as I do. He's perfectly good natured, there's no viciousness in him, but he doesn't want to take orders right now. We'll be gelding him in a couple of months, when the flies won't be so bad.

That's about all I can think of at the moment, except that the girlfriend has got me hooked on Criminal Minds. So instead of going "just one more thing" in WoW I'm now going "just one more ep" at night, and sleeping too little. And plot bunnies are running around in my head. Buffy/CM crossover...
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
I recently reread "Grass" by Sheri S. Tepper. It's set in the future, and the Earth is severely over populated - so much so that on Earth, nobody is allowed to have more than two children. If they have more than that, they have to emigrate to a colony planet. And any third child still on Earth is not allowed to reproduce. Marjorie, the protagonist, visits "Breedertown", where the supernumerary women and children live while waiting for transport to a colony. She helps a teenager, who is a third and therefore illegal child, get an illegal abortion. Marjorie explains that if the teenager had had her child, it would have been taken from her and sold to a colony world, and the teenager would have been picked up by the population police. Certainly she would not have been allowed to be a mother, either way.

Then I started thinking about international adoption. On the whole, I'm glad we gave that idea up. It's one thing to want to have a child, and to choose a child that already exists and needs a home, rather than to have treatments to try to bear one that my body isn't capable of on its own... but what about the mothers of those children? The ones who have to hide their pregnancy, the ones who have no way of supporting themselves and their child, the ones who already have too many children to feed but who will continue longing for and wondering about the one they gave up... and the ones who are dead, the ones who were raped and had no way of getting an abortion, the ones who have no choice at all, neither reproductive or otherwise... Is their life improved by our taking their children? If they did have a choice, would they choose to have their children sent away to the other side of the world? Then there are those who never wanted to give up their children, those who had their children stolen and sold to adoptive parents. There is trafficking in children just as there is in women, except in the case of children it's legalised and called international adoption.

This is not to say that international adoption is always wrong or bad. But merely looking at what areas the adoptive parents come from compared to the areas the children come from should tell us a lot about the economic and power structure of our world, as well as about how women and children are valued.
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)

Purple shawl
I have finally actually completed a project! This is a wavy shawl that is based off a pattern I found on Ravelry. The yarn is wool, very soft. I've found that crocheting during meetings at work is a good way to actually get finished with something...
Purple shawl

jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
As I wrote on Sunday, I had a bit of a discussion with Makan Afshinnejad, press secretary for the Liberal frontrunner Marit Paulsen's, on election day. First a bit of background for those of you who aren't very well versed in Swedish politics:

During the past couple of years there have been two new laws which threaten our rights and privacy as citizens.

One of the laws is IPRED. That's the one that gives the film and record companies the right to request identifying information from ISPs without having to prove that the person has broken a law. That's information that our police can only get when they are investigating a crime that carries a prison sentence of 2 years - but the record companies can get it whenever they like.

The other is known as the FRA law. It says that the defense radio analysis agency is allowed to search through any Internet traffic going to or from a foreign country. And, given how the Internet works, that means that they can also search through a lot of the traffic between Swedish citizens within Sweden. In other words, the agency that is supposed to spy on other countries is now also going to spy on us. Both these laws have been widely discussed and criticized, not least in the Swedish blogosphere.

Both of these laws are highly problematic from a privacy and integrity standpoint. As for IPRED, I find it ludicrous that record companies should have greater investigative powers than the police. If I have broken a law, it's the job of the police to investigate and charge me. Those powers should not be given to another interested party!

And as for FRA, it's even worse. It's simply not possible for them to restrict their surveillance to packets to and from foreigners. If I use Google mail, and my mother uses Hotmail, then according to FRA we are using foreign sites and thus they are allowed to monitor our emails! And even supposing that we both use mail servers physically placed in Sweden, and owned by Swedish companies/people, the traffic may still be routed via the international routers. That is simply the way Internet works. Even if the law says they are not allowed to look at that traffic, there is no way to reliably exclude it from their filters.

That was what I tried to explaine to Makan Afshinnejad. His response was that I must be wrong, because all the instances that were invited to express opinions on the FRA law said it wouldn't be a problem, including the Data Inspection Board. And, he said, they wouldn't have approved of the proposal if there were an integrity problem.

At that point I wasn't certain of what the DI had said in their opinion, so I didn't respond directly. Now, however, I have had time to check things up. I went to their website and looked at their opinions. Interestingly enough, what I found was that they had not approved of the law. In fact, they had brought up the very same points that I did.

So I sent an email off to Mr Afshinnejad:


I'm the one who was giving out Piratpartiet ballots on Sunday. I was thinking over the conversation we had afterwards. I remember you saying that all opinions, including the one from the Data Inspection Board, approved of the law. As I at that point wasn't sure of what the DI had said I didn't argue; I don't like making a claim unless I have all the facts, so I just talked about what I know about how the Internet works and why it doesn't work to restrict the surveillance to one "carrier".

Now I have looked at the opinion from Datainspektionen. To my amazement, they have exactly the same arguments as I do! On page 5 it says "It is the opinion of the Data Inspection Board reasonable to suppose that the signal surveillance agency will still to a large extent have technical access to traffic that is not covered by the judicial access", and "The proposition may thus mean that signals between senders and recpients in Sweden will be routinely gathered despite the standard prohibition."

The DI had several more reservations, and I really recommend that you read their opinion. I myself will gladly take back any less than positive statements I made about them."

(In Swedish: Hej! Det var jag som stod och delade ut valsedlar för Piratpartiet i söndags. Jag funderade en del efteråt på samtalet vi hade. Jag minns att du sade att alla remissinstanser, inklusive Datainspektionen, hade godkänt FRA-lagen. Eftersom jag själv då var osäker på vad just DI hade sagt ville jag inte säga emot; jag tycker inte om att uttala mig i frågor där jag inte är säker på fakta, så jag nöjde mig med att förklara vad jag själv vet om hur Internet fungerar och varför det inte fungerar att begränsa spaningen till en "signalbärare".

Nu har jag tittat på Datainspektionens remissvar. Hör och häpna, de har exakt samma invändningar som jag har! Det står på sidan 5 "Det är enligt Datainspektionens mening rimligt att anta att signalspaningsmyndigheten fortfarande i rätt stor utsträckning kan komma att ha teknisk tillgång till trafik som inte omfattas av den rättsliga åtkomsten", och "Den föreslagna bestämmelsen kan alltså komma att innebära att signaler mellan sändare och mottagare i Sverige regelmässigt hämtas in trots det principiella förbudet."

DI hade en hel del ytterligare invändningar, och jag kan verkligen rekommendera dig att läsa igenom deras remissvar. Själv tar jag gladeligen tillbaka mina mindre positiva uttalanden om dem.)

It will be interesting to see if I ever get a response. I don't really think I will...

And I can't help finding it very interesting that the press secretary of their major candidate for the EU would argue without knowing the facts. I certainly got the feeling that he was convinced of the truth of his own words, so I don't think he was deliberately lying to me. But the truth is so very easy to find in this case that I still find it a bit strange that he would take the debate without having a basic grasp of the facts. And he did give it as a well-established fact - according to him, the DI had approved of the law. Which they didn't.

I don't really think I'll get an answer from him.
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
Today is the Swedish election for the EU parliament. I spent part of the day handing out ballots outside my local election place, for the Pirate Party. That's the party that thinks it's a bad thing that our governments wants the defense intelligence agencies to monitor all traffic to and from Sweden (and, given how networks work, thus pretty much all the traffic to and from different parts of Sweden). It's also a bad idea that record companies have more powers than the police to get information about persons. Also we'd like some changes in copyright laws - not eliminating it, but changing it.

There were two other people handing out ballots, a Social Democrat and a Liberal. When I was about to pack up and leave, the Social Democrat started asking me about the stuff that PP has no policy on. Pretty soon I was discussing more with the Liberal. And the stuff that came out of his mouth had me flabbergasted. Such as "But in some cases we need to monitor you to ensure your freedom."

I was so stunned that at first I couldn't answer. It had never crossed my imagination that someone could actually say that and mean it. I believe I stammered something about Orwell and 1984, and asked how the government's monitoring my emails to my mother made me safer or freer. Because the whole monitoring thing is all about safety - what if there's a bomb in Stockholm and surveillance of all internet traffic could have stopped it? And think about drugs, drug trafficking is done over the Internet and that must be stopped.

I suggested that, since the Postal office is one of the major distributions channels for drugs, they should have drug sniffer dogs in all post offices. Of course they would only react on letters that had drugs in them, and on letters that had been close enough to have the same smell, but why worry? If you don't deal drugs or stupidly use the same outgoing mailbox as a drug dealer you have nothing to worry about.

At this point he changed the subject a little. I think we got back to how, if I thought it was OK for the defense intelligence agency to monitor stuff going on in foreign countries, I thought it was wrong to monitor everything. Besides, all this monitoring would keep me safer! Didn't I want to be safe?

I suggested that one good way to make sure people don't get robbed or raped is to lock everyone indoors after dark. That way we'd all be safe from strangers, and if we're locked in separate rooms that takes care of domestic violence, too. This, he said, was my taking things to extremes. Well, yes, it is. If you want to monitor me to make sure nothing bad happens to me - where does it end? How much of an infringement on my privacy is acceptable? I don't mind being monitored if there's an actual reason to suspect me of criminal activity. I do mind having everything I do online pass through a big filter that may or may not trigger on something I write!

The girlfriend grew up in the Soviet Union. There were things one simply did not speak of, places one simply did not go to. There was little need for the police or the laws to specifically ban those places or issues - people knew it was unsafe for them to speak of or go to them, and they limited themselves to avoid being noticed by the government. I told the Liberal guy that's not a society I want to live in. He said that he didn't think that was something I need worry about. And that is why I'm not voting for his party.

Oh, and the guy in question? Not just any guy spending a few hours working for his party. He's Makan Afshinnejad - press secretary for Marit Paulsen, the leading name for the Liberals in this election.

Cat update

May. 25th, 2009 12:33 pm
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
This morning Zeta had apparently had enough of being locked up, too, as she shot past me when I went down to get dressed, and ran straight up to her favourite bookshelf. Fortunately she didn't meet Mao on the way.

I have now decided that if we just keep the door to the living room closed, she can have that part of the flat. That's the living room, the stairs down to the bottom floor, the downstairs hall (with litter boxes) and my bedroom. My sewing room is also down there, but I prefer not to have cats playing with the loom, so that'll be off-limits. Mao and Arthas can have the rest of the flat, i.e. the upstairs bedroom (that is now the GFs bedroom), the computer room and the kitchen. Tusse will probably want to be in my room at night; he did last night and Zeta seemed to like it, or at least not dislike it. There'll be food and litter boxes in both parts of the flat, of course.

I feel a lot better having her in such a large space when I go to work - I was worrying about having her locked up for a whole day. Now we just have to hope that Mao doesn't open the door, which he probably could if he wanted to...
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
i just got back from spending five hours at the stables (including 1,5 hour drive and dinner at a hamburger place on the way back). I was worried about how Zeta would react to having been shut in for five hours.

It seems I needn't have worried. She was lying on my dressing gown which was thrown on the bed, and immediately started demanding snuggles. She is now trying her best to get between me and the computer since I am rudely using my hands to type instad of to pet her.

She certainly seems a lot happier than she's been in weeks. So far she's completely ignoring the open window - I would have thought she'd be interested in it after having been shut in a 12 m2 room for hours, but apparently cuddles are more interesting still.

She's eating a lot, too - probably she hasn't been eating enough for a while. I topped the litterbox up with a great deal of fresh sand so it won't smell of other cats.

I'll see how this works out during the coming week. Maybe she'll start wanting to go out, and in that case she'll probably be happy to come in for food and snuggles sometimes, and during those times I can keep Mao and Arthas out. Or maybe she'll just need some time to recuperate and then she can take up the fight with Mao again.

I'm thinking the names Arthas and Mao may have influenced those cats in directions we hadn't planned...


May. 24th, 2009 11:59 am
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
There have been many changes to my life recently, mostly since the girlfriend moved in with us. I have moved to the bedroom downstairs, which I am happy about - it's cooler than the one upstairs, and I have hot flushes so I like the coolness. Also it's nice to have a room where I decide everything about furniture, pictures on the wall and so on - even though Calle sleeps there about 50 % of the time, it's still my room. We have moved the furniture around in the computer room, and it's never been as tidy as it is now.

There have been a few arguments, of course, but no actual fights. Most of the problems are practical ones, like in which drawer to store various kitchen implements, the stuff that is just ingrained habit. All of them have been solved by talking, which is certainly good.

One thing is not good, though. The cats. Zeta is deeply unhappy with the girlfriend's cat, Mao. The worst part is that Zeta has always been the only climber, so all the high shelves in the bookcases have been her territory. Now that Mao is here and is just as good a climber, she has been challenged, and she doesn't like it one bit. Mao doesn't let up either, he seems determined to be boss cat, even though Zeta is female and thus should be in charge according to cat standards.

Before I moved down, Zeta would at least come to my bed in the evening. In the past week she hasn't even done that. All I've seen of her are ears or tail sticking up above the books on the top shelf, and all I've heard are the noises of the fights whenever Mao's gone up there.

Yesterday we decided that enough is enough. I managed to coax her out from her hiding place with the help of some catnip, and brought her to my downstairs room. It has a small window that can be opened for air, and I thought she might be happier if she could go out. At one point, though, when we were bringing her litter box in, Tusse and Arthas got in and Zeta shot out like fired from a cannon. As soon as she got upstairs she ran into Mao and they started fighting, whereafter she jumped up on the book shelf by the bed in the upstairs bedroom. I managed to get her down from there, but she was yelling and fighting (and managed to scratch me in the ear!). After that she hid under my bed and refused to come out.

This morning she has been very very affectionate, demanding to be petted and snuggled. I've opened the window and she's gone out on the outside window sill and looked around, but hasn't actually gone anywhere. I'm going to stay down here with her for an hour or so, then I need to leave to go to the horses. Because another good thing is that my old favourite Melanie, my own horse's mother, appears to not be lame anymore! So today I'll get to ride her - ten minutes at a slow walk, not more than that, but still!

I really hope this will work for Zeta. I can't let her back upstairs, she will just keep fighting with Mao and be more unhappy. I haven't seen her this relaxed in weeks, in fact I barely remember last time I saw her just stretched out and purring happily. If having her downstairs doesn't work i will probably have to rehome her, and rehoming a cat that doesn't trust humans and doesn't like other cats isn't easy...
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
Friday morning I decided to play a little on the French server I sometimes use. So I started WoW with the French language pack. This was early in the morning and apparently I hadn't had enough coffee yet, because my brain decided that since the interface was in French I must already be on the French realm. I promptly deleted the death knight toon, as I'd planned to redo the starting quests which are always fun.

That's when I realised I hadn't actually changed realm. I'd deleted my level 72 death knight - the one with nearly 500 gold and nearly 400 in engineering (and let me tell you, levelling engineering really isn't fun!).

I posted an in-game support request, basically telling them that I'd been a complete idiot and deleted the wrong character. And today when I logged in, there she was again.

This is precisely the sort of customer support issue that they could have just ignored - it was all my own fault for deleting the character (for those of you who don't know, you actually get a confirmation box where you have to type DELETE (or, in this case, EFFACER)) and they could have told me so. But they do seem to really want to have happy customers. I'm certainly happy with them right now!
jennyaxe: (feminism)
was reading some of the GFs old posts to her blog. In one of them she wrote about her weight problems. She wrote that she had during one time weighed 86 kgs and was obese and ugly.

At that point I felt as if I'd gotten punched in the stomach. See, I weigh around 86 now. Possibly a few kilos more, probably not much less. Does that mean she thinks I'm ugly? Does it mean she thinks I'm obese? Does it mean that to her, fat is always ugly, and since I'm not thin, then I'm ugly? She's lost weight since then. Does she think I should lose weight too? I've been working hard at accepting my body and loving myself, but maybe she thinks my body isn't lovable because it's too big? Am I simply wrong in working on self-acceptance, maybe I should be working on getting slimmer instead? Maybe my husband, when he says he loves me and my body is only trying to be kind, maybe he too wishes I'd lose weight?

All these thoughts rolled around in my mind for a while. I remembered how I'd once tried to lose some weight, how I'd kept track of what I ate and how much... and how I'd certainly lost a little, but gained it back again as soon as I stopped monitoring myself. How I'd decided I didn't want to live like that, how I'd rather just eat what I want when I want and instead keep myself as healthy as possible through exercise. How I knew people with eating disorders, and how I knew that I might easily become one of them if I started trying to lose weight.

Then another memory came upon me. Back the first time I got above 80, I was concerned over my weight, feeling fat and ugly. Just as the GF described. At that time, I was in love with a woman, who to me was the most beautiful creature in existence. And when she once lent me a pair of riding trousers, they were slightly too big for me. In other words, the woman I was in love with and thought gorgeous weighed more than I did, at a time when I thought myself getting too fat.

So I realise that the GFs thoughts of her body are just that - thoughts about her body, not mine. She'd looked in the mirror and seen a fat and unlovely person. But that doesn't mean that when she looks at me, that's what she sees - just as when I looked at my object of desire, I didn't see her as too fat to be lovable, I saw her as an entire and gorgeous person. And, at that time, she saw herself as fat and unlovable (and, she has told me, was certain she weighed more than I did).

What I see when I see my body in the mirror isn't what others see when they look at me. What the GF sees in her mirror isn't what I see when I look at her. And what she thinks of her own body isn't necessarily what she thinks of mine - we're all more likely to be severe on ourselves than on others. When we look in the mirror, we see our own defects, magnified. When we look at others, at people we love, we see their beauty magnified by our love. The body in the mirror isn't the problem - it's the mirror we carry around in our minds, the one that shows us what we least want to see.

I'm not going to say to the GF that she's wrong in wanting to get back to her normal weight - if that's what she wants, I'm with her. But I'm also not going to take her experience and desires as a criticism of my own - just as my own decision to not try to lose weight isn't a criticism of her.

So there.


Apr. 13th, 2009 12:05 pm
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)

Blue and white scarf Blue and white scarf

I got inspired by [ profile] citika to start knitting again. I decided to make something simple enough that I might actually be able to finish it, and decided on using some yarn that has been lying around for ages. I started out with blue yarn and made a checkered pattern using two straight, two purled for four turns and then doing the opposite.

When I'd finished the first of the two skeins the scarf was only 40 cm long, which won't be enough to tie it. So I'm now using a skein of white yarn and when that's finished I'll go back to the blue one again. The white yarn will not be checkered, I will do two straight, two purled the whole time. That should make it a little less wide around the neck which suits me fine.

jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
Today my husband's girlfriend was kind enough not to complain that I never update my livejournal. So here's an update:

I am happy that you are now part of our family.


Jan. 7th, 2009 05:18 pm
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
Things that did not happen today:
I didn't have a cat standing on my chest when I woke up, purring and demanding attention
I didn't have a cat standing on the kitchen table going "mrrp?" whenever I went into the kitchen
I didn't have a cat walking around and across my keyboard while I was typing
When I looked at the warm spot on the floor in the hallway, there was no cat lying there

Things that did happen today:
I had a cat lying purring in my lap for most of the day
I spoke to two breeders and we're going to look at kittens.


Jan. 6th, 2009 09:07 pm
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
I spent about half an hour writing about the time at the vet's today, but Livejournal decided to eat it and I can't bear to type it all up again. Let me just say that the people at the clinic were very nice and did their best to make it a gentle and peaceful time for all of us. They had lit a couple of candles in the room before showing us in, and when everything was over there was a door to the outside so we didn't have to pass through the waiting room with all the living pets.

She was given a sedative and went to sleep. Then they gave her enough narcotics that she would stop breathing. We stayed with her; I sat with my hands around her as she lay on a small soft rug on the table.

We chose to not bring her ashes back. It doesn't matter where those particular atoms end up. The person was gone from the body before she'd stopped breathing.

Thanks everyone who responded so kindly. I'm too tired and sad to write a personal response to everyone, but you may be sure it means a lot to me.

There are some pictures at my gallery
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
Back in June 1994 I finally dumped the cheating and somewhat abusive guy I'd been dating. He'd been allergic to cats, and the first thing I did was to get a cat. Her name was Pixel. She was only five weeks old; her mother was a purebred Persian, but the father wasn't, so the owners had unceremoniously dumped the kittens. I got her from a breeder who also took in unwanted cats. She was so small she fit into the palm of my hand.

That was fourteen and a half years ago. She grew into a stubborn and plump cat, ruling the other two cats with an iron paw and me with a velvet one.

At the end of last year we noticed that she'd lost quite a lot of weight. From being a very plump cat she went to being so thin that we felt her ribs. I took her in for a check-up and from the blood tests they found that she was having kidney problems - they were basically shutting down. For good.

I got some diet food, and that helped a little. She got back some of her weight. But over the past two weeks or so she's been losing it again, and now her fur is starting to look dull and rough. She's still very affectionate towards me and Calle, wanting to be petted, but she gets tired very quickly and goes to lie down in some warm place.

I can't delay it any longer. I would want to keep her with me for the rest of my life, but I can't let her suffer for my selfish desire for her companionship. Today we're taking her on the last trip to the vet.
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
One of the most irritating things about WoW is the gold spammers. It used to be level 1 or 2 players, but those were too easy to block, so now the spammers are using real accounts. I don't know if it's stolen accounts or if it's "real" players getting paid to spam others, In either case, I've now begun to mail their guild leaders as well as reporting the spammers. And I'm taking screen shots and putting them on Picasa, in case any guild leader doesn't believe me.

Today's one is Jeriko at Blade's Edge, documented at

Anyone playing on Blade's Edge who gets a whisper from this guy, don't hesitate to report...


jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)

November 2016



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