Jun. 25th, 2005 10:16 pm
jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)
Funny how the cats know that I'm unwell. They're more quiet, more cuddly, and generally appear to be trying to be as kind to poor mummy as their little cat brains can handle. This is nice.

We just watched Kill Bill. There are a lot of really beautiful screen-caps in that film... I realized that the only scene that actually bothered me is the one at the hospital - not the first one, the one where the orderly brings someone else into the room. I think it bothers me both because the violence in it is less unrealistic than anything else in the show, and because the situation is far from unbelievable.

Still, it's a good film when you're in a bad mood. Watching completely unrealistic wholesale slaughter always makes me feel better.

Further thoughts on pain - it's a bit scary how easy it is for me to dissociate from my body. Sure, the pain is there, and it affects me, but I keep the core of myself apart from the pain-ridden body. I can smile and joke while having tears of pain in my eyes, not because I'm making an effort to appear happy but because the pain part doesn't affect the real me.

The bad part is that it's hard to limit this only to pain; it's easy to disregards all the sensations and signals from my body. I tend to place a part of myself outside of what's happening, whether good or bad. And I keep wanting to examine my reactions and consciously decide how to handle them, instead of just letting myself feel whatever I'm feeling. While that comes in handy in situations like these, it makes it very difficult when I'm meditating or participating in a ritual. I've worked a lot on learning to let go, to "go with the flow", to experience first and analyze later. But it's still very easy to just withdraw a bit and step away from life as it is right here and now...


jennyaxe: Photo in black and white. I'm in profile, looking to the left, with a calm and content half-smile. (Default)

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