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Jun. 25th, 2005
stupidity suffers
Jun. 25th, 2005 07:05 pmThere's a Swedish proverb, "dum får lida", which basically means that "if you're stupid, you get to suffer".
One way of being stupid is to miscalculate how long it'll take to get hold of a doctor to get a prescription renewed. It ended up taking a few weeks longer than the old batch of medication lasted. This, combined with my stupidly choosing to try lowering the dosage earlier has fucked up my hormones enough that I've just gotten my period. It's been almost three years since the last one.
( If you don't want to read about blood and cramps and other horrors, don't click here... )
This morning (well, noon, but it was while I was drinking my morning coffee) I saw something utterly adorable. We've got a small bird feeder outside the kitchen window - it's just a thingy that holds a couple of tallow balls. The cats enjoy watching the birds and I feel like a good person for feeding them, so everyone is happy.
Only this morning there was lots more and louder cheeping noises than usual. I looked out and saw a bird sitting pecking at the tallow. Down on the windowsill was a smaller, much fluffier, bird. And next to it another small one. They were keeping their little beaks open and yelling at the top of their little bird voices. The mommy or daddy bird kept flying up to the tallow, pecking off a bit, flying down to feed one of the baby birds, and then repeating the whole thing for the next baby. And I went OMG THAT'S SO CUTE and shouted for Calle to come look and irritated the cats by making loud noises while they were prowling and hiding waiting for the glass to disappear magically so they could pounce on the birds. It never does, though.
One way of being stupid is to miscalculate how long it'll take to get hold of a doctor to get a prescription renewed. It ended up taking a few weeks longer than the old batch of medication lasted. This, combined with my stupidly choosing to try lowering the dosage earlier has fucked up my hormones enough that I've just gotten my period. It's been almost three years since the last one.
( If you don't want to read about blood and cramps and other horrors, don't click here... )
This morning (well, noon, but it was while I was drinking my morning coffee) I saw something utterly adorable. We've got a small bird feeder outside the kitchen window - it's just a thingy that holds a couple of tallow balls. The cats enjoy watching the birds and I feel like a good person for feeding them, so everyone is happy.
Only this morning there was lots more and louder cheeping noises than usual. I looked out and saw a bird sitting pecking at the tallow. Down on the windowsill was a smaller, much fluffier, bird. And next to it another small one. They were keeping their little beaks open and yelling at the top of their little bird voices. The mommy or daddy bird kept flying up to the tallow, pecking off a bit, flying down to feed one of the baby birds, and then repeating the whole thing for the next baby. And I went OMG THAT'S SO CUTE and shouted for Calle to come look and irritated the cats by making loud noises while they were prowling and hiding waiting for the glass to disappear magically so they could pounce on the birds. It never does, though.
Funny how the cats know that I'm unwell. They're more quiet, more cuddly, and generally appear to be trying to be as kind to poor mummy as their little cat brains can handle. This is nice.
We just watched Kill Bill. There are a lot of really beautiful screen-caps in that film... I realized that the only scene that actually bothered me is the one at the hospital - not the first one, the one where the orderly brings someone else into the room. I think it bothers me both because the violence in it is less unrealistic than anything else in the show, and because the situation is far from unbelievable.
Still, it's a good film when you're in a bad mood. Watching completely unrealistic wholesale slaughter always makes me feel better.
Further thoughts on pain - it's a bit scary how easy it is for me to dissociate from my body. Sure, the pain is there, and it affects me, but I keep the core of myself apart from the pain-ridden body. I can smile and joke while having tears of pain in my eyes, not because I'm making an effort to appear happy but because the pain part doesn't affect the real me.
The bad part is that it's hard to limit this only to pain; it's easy to disregards all the sensations and signals from my body. I tend to place a part of myself outside of what's happening, whether good or bad. And I keep wanting to examine my reactions and consciously decide how to handle them, instead of just letting myself feel whatever I'm feeling. While that comes in handy in situations like these, it makes it very difficult when I'm meditating or participating in a ritual. I've worked a lot on learning to let go, to "go with the flow", to experience first and analyze later. But it's still very easy to just withdraw a bit and step away from life as it is right here and now...
We just watched Kill Bill. There are a lot of really beautiful screen-caps in that film... I realized that the only scene that actually bothered me is the one at the hospital - not the first one, the one where the orderly brings someone else into the room. I think it bothers me both because the violence in it is less unrealistic than anything else in the show, and because the situation is far from unbelievable.
Still, it's a good film when you're in a bad mood. Watching completely unrealistic wholesale slaughter always makes me feel better.
Further thoughts on pain - it's a bit scary how easy it is for me to dissociate from my body. Sure, the pain is there, and it affects me, but I keep the core of myself apart from the pain-ridden body. I can smile and joke while having tears of pain in my eyes, not because I'm making an effort to appear happy but because the pain part doesn't affect the real me.
The bad part is that it's hard to limit this only to pain; it's easy to disregards all the sensations and signals from my body. I tend to place a part of myself outside of what's happening, whether good or bad. And I keep wanting to examine my reactions and consciously decide how to handle them, instead of just letting myself feel whatever I'm feeling. While that comes in handy in situations like these, it makes it very difficult when I'm meditating or participating in a ritual. I've worked a lot on learning to let go, to "go with the flow", to experience first and analyze later. But it's still very easy to just withdraw a bit and step away from life as it is right here and now...
