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jennyaxewas reading some of the GFs old posts to her blog. In one of them she wrote about her weight problems. She wrote that she had during one time weighed 86 kgs and was obese and ugly.
At that point I felt as if I'd gotten punched in the stomach. See, I weigh around 86 now. Possibly a few kilos more, probably not much less. Does that mean she thinks I'm ugly? Does it mean she thinks I'm obese? Does it mean that to her, fat is always ugly, and since I'm not thin, then I'm ugly? She's lost weight since then. Does she think I should lose weight too? I've been working hard at accepting my body and loving myself, but maybe she thinks my body isn't lovable because it's too big? Am I simply wrong in working on self-acceptance, maybe I should be working on getting slimmer instead? Maybe my husband, when he says he loves me and my body is only trying to be kind, maybe he too wishes I'd lose weight?
All these thoughts rolled around in my mind for a while. I remembered how I'd once tried to lose some weight, how I'd kept track of what I ate and how much... and how I'd certainly lost a little, but gained it back again as soon as I stopped monitoring myself. How I'd decided I didn't want to live like that, how I'd rather just eat what I want when I want and instead keep myself as healthy as possible through exercise. How I knew people with eating disorders, and how I knew that I might easily become one of them if I started trying to lose weight.
Then another memory came upon me. Back the first time I got above 80, I was concerned over my weight, feeling fat and ugly. Just as the GF described. At that time, I was in love with a woman, who to me was the most beautiful creature in existence. And when she once lent me a pair of riding trousers, they were slightly too big for me. In other words, the woman I was in love with and thought gorgeous weighed more than I did, at a time when I thought myself getting too fat.
So I realise that the GFs thoughts of her body are just that - thoughts about her body, not mine. She'd looked in the mirror and seen a fat and unlovely person. But that doesn't mean that when she looks at me, that's what she sees - just as when I looked at my object of desire, I didn't see her as too fat to be lovable, I saw her as an entire and gorgeous person. And, at that time, she saw herself as fat and unlovable (and, she has told me, was certain she weighed more than I did).
What I see when I see my body in the mirror isn't what others see when they look at me. What the GF sees in her mirror isn't what I see when I look at her. And what she thinks of her own body isn't necessarily what she thinks of mine - we're all more likely to be severe on ourselves than on others. When we look in the mirror, we see our own defects, magnified. When we look at others, at people we love, we see their beauty magnified by our love. The body in the mirror isn't the problem - it's the mirror we carry around in our minds, the one that shows us what we least want to see.
I'm not going to say to the GF that she's wrong in wanting to get back to her normal weight - if that's what she wants, I'm with her. But I'm also not going to take her experience and desires as a criticism of my own - just as my own decision to not try to lose weight isn't a criticism of her.
So there.
At that point I felt as if I'd gotten punched in the stomach. See, I weigh around 86 now. Possibly a few kilos more, probably not much less. Does that mean she thinks I'm ugly? Does it mean she thinks I'm obese? Does it mean that to her, fat is always ugly, and since I'm not thin, then I'm ugly? She's lost weight since then. Does she think I should lose weight too? I've been working hard at accepting my body and loving myself, but maybe she thinks my body isn't lovable because it's too big? Am I simply wrong in working on self-acceptance, maybe I should be working on getting slimmer instead? Maybe my husband, when he says he loves me and my body is only trying to be kind, maybe he too wishes I'd lose weight?
All these thoughts rolled around in my mind for a while. I remembered how I'd once tried to lose some weight, how I'd kept track of what I ate and how much... and how I'd certainly lost a little, but gained it back again as soon as I stopped monitoring myself. How I'd decided I didn't want to live like that, how I'd rather just eat what I want when I want and instead keep myself as healthy as possible through exercise. How I knew people with eating disorders, and how I knew that I might easily become one of them if I started trying to lose weight.
Then another memory came upon me. Back the first time I got above 80, I was concerned over my weight, feeling fat and ugly. Just as the GF described. At that time, I was in love with a woman, who to me was the most beautiful creature in existence. And when she once lent me a pair of riding trousers, they were slightly too big for me. In other words, the woman I was in love with and thought gorgeous weighed more than I did, at a time when I thought myself getting too fat.
So I realise that the GFs thoughts of her body are just that - thoughts about her body, not mine. She'd looked in the mirror and seen a fat and unlovely person. But that doesn't mean that when she looks at me, that's what she sees - just as when I looked at my object of desire, I didn't see her as too fat to be lovable, I saw her as an entire and gorgeous person. And, at that time, she saw herself as fat and unlovable (and, she has told me, was certain she weighed more than I did).
What I see when I see my body in the mirror isn't what others see when they look at me. What the GF sees in her mirror isn't what I see when I look at her. And what she thinks of her own body isn't necessarily what she thinks of mine - we're all more likely to be severe on ourselves than on others. When we look in the mirror, we see our own defects, magnified. When we look at others, at people we love, we see their beauty magnified by our love. The body in the mirror isn't the problem - it's the mirror we carry around in our minds, the one that shows us what we least want to see.
I'm not going to say to the GF that she's wrong in wanting to get back to her normal weight - if that's what she wants, I'm with her. But I'm also not going to take her experience and desires as a criticism of my own - just as my own decision to not try to lose weight isn't a criticism of her.
So there.
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no subject
Date: 2009-04-16 07:30 am (UTC)When I hear someone talking about their self image in this way I see these feelings as being almost completely introvert. The person sees only itself and gets very confused and frustrated if someone indicates that it could be perceived as implied criticism of others. The persons focus is on itself. What does the rest of the world have to do with this?
And yes, there are examples of people that as a secondary reaction turn this whole thing extrovert and starts to attack people, but that is far from everyone.
It all boils down to problems in the empathy department and feelings of low self esteem can lower the capacity for empathy even more.
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Date: 2009-04-17 08:04 am (UTC)In this case, though, it's not even as if she was talking to me about how she felt about weighing so much - she was posting to her own personal blog and I read it months later and immediately made it All About Me instead of all about her. I wanted to post about it because it's such an easy thing to do and I wanted to remind myself not to do it in the future. (As if that will work... :-)