The body in the mirror, the mirror in the mind

[jennyaxe]

was reading some of the GFs old posts to her blog. In one of them she wrote about her weight problems. She wrote that she had during one time weighed 86 kgs and was obese and ugly.

At that point I felt as if I'd gotten punched in the stomach. See, I weigh around 86 now. Possibly a few kilos more, probably not much less. Does that mean she thinks I'm ugly? Does it mean she thinks I'm obese? Does it mean that to her, fat is always ugly, and since I'm not thin, then I'm ugly? She's lost weight since then. Does she think I should lose weight too? I've been working hard at accepting my body and loving myself, but maybe she thinks my body isn't lovable because it's too big? Am I simply wrong in working on self-acceptance, maybe I should be working on getting slimmer instead? Maybe my husband, when he says he loves me and my body is only trying to be kind, maybe he too wishes I'd lose weight?

All these thoughts rolled around in my mind for a while. I remembered how I'd once tried to lose some weight, how I'd kept track of what I ate and how much... and how I'd certainly lost a little, but gained it back again as soon as I stopped monitoring myself. How I'd decided I didn't want to live like that, how I'd rather just eat what I want when I want and instead keep myself as healthy as possible through exercise. How I knew people with eating disorders, and how I knew that I might easily become one of them if I started trying to lose weight.

Then another memory came upon me. Back the first time I got above 80, I was concerned over my weight, feeling fat and ugly. Just as the GF described. At that time, I was in love with a woman, who to me was the most beautiful creature in existence. And when she once lent me a pair of riding trousers, they were slightly too big for me. In other words, the woman I was in love with and thought gorgeous weighed more than I did, at a time when I thought myself getting too fat.

So I realise that the GFs thoughts of her body are just that - thoughts about her body, not mine. She'd looked in the mirror and seen a fat and unlovely person. But that doesn't mean that when she looks at me, that's what she sees - just as when I looked at my object of desire, I didn't see her as too fat to be lovable, I saw her as an entire and gorgeous person. And, at that time, she saw herself as fat and unlovable (and, she has told me, was certain she weighed more than I did).

What I see when I see my body in the mirror isn't what others see when they look at me. What the GF sees in her mirror isn't what I see when I look at her. And what she thinks of her own body isn't necessarily what she thinks of mine - we're all more likely to be severe on ourselves than on others. When we look in the mirror, we see our own defects, magnified. When we look at others, at people we love, we see their beauty magnified by our love. The body in the mirror isn't the problem - it's the mirror we carry around in our minds, the one that shows us what we least want to see.

I'm not going to say to the GF that she's wrong in wanting to get back to her normal weight - if that's what she wants, I'm with her. But I'm also not going to take her experience and desires as a criticism of my own - just as my own decision to not try to lose weight isn't a criticism of her.

So there.

Comments

[wildcelticrose.livejournal.com]

It's not anyone's image of YOU.

We are all harder on ourselves than we are on other people.

I have one friend who I think if much thinner, fitter and sexier than I am.

She wears 1-2 sizes larger clothing than I do and she's shorter than I am.

We look at ourselves through sadly distorted mirrors.

hang in there...

[jennyaxe.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's kind of the point. I also recall a post from one of the fat-acceptance blogs I read. The poster had seen an article about Kate Harding, looked at the picture and thought "oh, another not-fat woman who gets to be the poster child for fat acceptance". Then she read a bit more and found that Kate Harding weighed the same as she did. But she saw herself as fat, and Kate as not-fat.

[rodluvan.livejournal.com]

That was interesting to read about weight

I have had real too much weight, but went down 10 kg last year. Now I also weigh 86 kg but want to go down more. But NOT by doing this with stress. I take is easy eat rather normal and do not eat candies or cake and I'm very careful with sugar.

I also walk a lot.

I never had a scale but at Ester my son bought a scale for me. I went so happy. :)

Nobody is ugly, all people are special in the way they are, even them who have to much weight.

And all people must decide themselves if they want to loose weigh. I need to do this for my health. And I found out that it's fun to walk.

I often do not walk alone, just look at this icon there the ducks are following me, it's so funny :)

HUGS

[jennyaxe.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

I think on the whole it's more important to exercise as much as you reasonably can - how much that is will of course depend on health, work, time, family and so on.

The picture is very cute and funny!

[rodluvan.livejournal.com]

Yes the duck icon picture is funny :)
In this icon the ducks around my in winter.

You are right, I did not think about it. You also need health so you can walk. I am lucky and thankful I can do this. I forgot to tell that I in my work must walk a lot. I work in a big house and need to go to users and walk in long halls and go on staircase. And need to walk in the hospital in tunnels to computer labs we care for. :)

[bluemagpie.livejournal.com]

I really do think it is all down to how you feel about yourself. Like you say, you are happy with what you look like and that is something that all the scales and diets in the world won't give you. Last year I was convinced I was huge. Maybe I was a bit bigger than now but not vastly. This year something clicked in me and I thought 'give a shit?', and I look much better because I *think* I look better.

Sometimes I swear it is also that a sudden weight gain / loss throws our self image out because we look in the mirror and don't recognise the person staring back. Whether that makes us look better or worse, if the choice has been made by the body not the mind then it is confusing.

[jennyaxe.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I swear it is also that a sudden weight gain / loss throws our self image out because we look in the mirror and don't recognise the person staring back.

I think you're right, and that was the problem that the GF had - she'd changed a lot in a short time and it was connected to other bad things in her life at that time. She's getting back to what she sees as her normal self and that's her business, not mine. If I make her issues out to be about me that's just my stupidity and insecurity at work.

[katlinel.livejournal.com]

This is a thoughtful and helpful post - thank you.

I am really glad that you've got to this place in your journey of self acceptance. I've been trying to do similar things, but it's not always easy to remember as you say, not take someone else's experiences and desires as criticisms of one's own.

I've been reading Shapely Prose, which I've found very helpful for self-acceptance with regards to body shape.

[jennyaxe.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked the post!

Maybe it helps for me that I have something in my body that I dislike more than my weight, there is the pain on which I can focus my bad feelings. That is not necessarily a good thing, though, but it does give me a lot of opportunities to practice not hating my body for things I can't change.

I'm also a big fan of Shapely Prose. And as for dieting, having read Junkfood Science (http://junkfoodscience.blogspot.com/) has pretty much put me off any such thoughts permanently.

[jimpa.livejournal.com]

I don't know if the term reverse projection exists, but it somehow fits here.

When I hear someone talking about their self image in this way I see these feelings as being almost completely introvert. The person sees only itself and gets very confused and frustrated if someone indicates that it could be perceived as implied criticism of others. The persons focus is on itself. What does the rest of the world have to do with this?

And yes, there are examples of people that as a secondary reaction turn this whole thing extrovert and starts to attack people, but that is far from everyone.

It all boils down to problems in the empathy department and feelings of low self esteem can lower the capacity for empathy even more.

[jennyaxe.livejournal.com]

I see what you mean and I do think you have a point. Personally I sometimes keep quiet about how I think about things like dieting, because I don't want to come off as criticizing people who do diet.

In this case, though, it's not even as if she was talking to me about how she felt about weighing so much - she was posting to her own personal blog and I read it months later and immediately made it All About Me instead of all about her. I wanted to post about it because it's such an easy thing to do and I wanted to remind myself not to do it in the future. (As if that will work... :-)

[fluffboll.livejournal.com]

Thank you. This was something I really needed to read at the moment. My self esteem is not very high and my weight is almost at 100Kg. Still I know that there's people who love me and thinks that I'm both cute, sexy and gorgeous.
Sometimes it's hard to accept their view of me, since mine is so much different, but it is their view and I love and respect them so I need to accept it too.

[shady-fox.livejournal.com]

Looking back at the body types of people I have found attractive they vary wildly. So I guess there is no perfect weight only people whose weight is just right for them.
And in my eyes your weight is just right and quite nicely placed :)

[jennyaxe.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much, and same to you!

[citikas.livejournal.com]

You are beautiful, dear.

My struggles with my body image and my decision to lose weight stem from an unhealthy relationship with food and an ex-fiancée who didn't care. When he dumped me and replaced me with a younger, slimmer version I felt old, fat and ugly.

The only thing that I could change was the "fat" bit. I wanted to be the person that I was before I met him, to erase all the negative influence he'd had on me.

I'm not 100% happy with how I look after losing 20 kilos, but that's my problem. The important thing is that I've got my body back and I no longer see myself as old, fat and ugly.

[citikas.livejournal.com]

I forgot to sign.

the GF :)

[jennyaxe.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear!

Another thing that I noticed is the only thing I focused on was that you don't want to have the same weight I have. It's not a problem that you have a different hair style, wear lipstick sometimes, have an entirely different style in clothes and so on.

But then, I'm not reminded every day that my hair style is Bad and Dangerous and Evil. I get told that about weight any time I open a magazine or news paper or read the menu at many lunch restaurants...

[citikas.livejournal.com]

They don't matter. What media portrays as perfect doesn't matter. NOBODY who tries to convince you that you're fat/ugly/obese matters.

Yes, the lunch portions are huge. Yes, the models are skinny. Yes, the doctors say you're overweight. THAT DOESN'T MATTER!

What matters is that you're healthy, both mentally and physically. Even with the pain, you're healthier than I am, regardless of how much you weigh. And those that try to convince you otherwise can go jump off a cliff.

the GF